I realize that i'm a jerk towards women. I lead them on constantly with my "maybe's" and kinda's." I'm a flake. I lead women on and i give them false hope that "maybe" we will be better friends, "maybe" there's a chance the flirting means more and "maybe" there's a relationship in store.
It's terrible, I know. But, i'm afraid to break hearts by flat out telling someone that i'm not interested in an involved relationship--Friendship and not excluding so-called love.
Here's the irony, i'm attracted to girls who put me through the exact same thing. They keep me wondering. Wondering does she like me? Does she dig my vibes? Am i cool in this hat or dorky? God I hope i'm dorky. All the while continually confusing me more than the time i watched Barbarella Queen of the Galaxy.
Emotions are so flawed but so necessary to humanity. That gene has been passed on for generations so it has to help with our evolution.
I've heard the term emotional rollercoaster but its flawed. Rollercoasters are all the same, there are ups and downs, twists and turns, loops and of course speed. The analogy just isn't right. My emotional paper heart servers a better purpose. It can be folded, cut, burned and recycled. Take the broken and make something new.
This imagery aided in a realization to who I am and why. I'm a fragile person and i want to protect my paper heart. I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone so i tend to be private. Sure my confidence gets folded every now and then but it can be straightened, but i digress. Being attracted to women who are flakes is result of a defense mechanism.
Subconciously, it's a way to make sure no one will get close to me. I'm afraid someone will get too close and learn how i think. Learn all my secrets and be afraid. The defense mechanism provides me with an opportunity to reach out into humanity without being crushed. Even if i showed interest to a woman, their "maybe's" and "kinda's" would push me away. I would be no closer to anyone than before. My vulnerablity would severly decrease knowing the objects of my desire would not remain in my life.
It worried me that i didn't understand why i did the things that i do. I know that sentence is very ambiguous but hey, its a blog. What's the point in thinking a girl is breaking my heart when she doesn't even know she's doing it? Why not believe she isn't breaking my heart even if she is? Theres nothing wrong with a little denial. It doesn't matter anyway so I should just have fun with what i have!
1 comment:
The only lasting solution to this is through accepting and trusting in the sacrifice for sin that Jesus, who is God and man, has made once for all through His death on the cross and through His resurrection, and submitting to a life of knowing and obeying Him. Knowing Him brings hardships in this life for sure, but having Him as Master is astonishingly more satisfying than allowing yourself to run your life based on the actions of women. Even if other people hurt you, you will be able to "know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
I have never met you, and maybe I came off bold. But I truly believe what I just said and am praying that you would see why. If you can admit that you have sinned against God and come broken before Him, trusting that Jesus paid God's punishment for your sins and acknowledging Him as Lord, then God will clean you, make you His adopted son, and change you in ways you could not imagine now.
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